Hey! Where'd those five years go?

If ever I needed a reminder about the importance of spending quality time with each of the Z Kids every single day and to appreciate them along the way, I stumbled upon one today. I didn’t see it coming, and it caught me completely off guard. But man, was it a doozie.

This morning, while doing drop-off detail, Kelly picked up Zoë's first "real" school portraits, taken just days after she started kindergarten. Excited not only because they came out so well but also because she took them, period--this is the girl who, for the second year in a row, was too scared to take soccer pictures and stares at the ground any time we try to take a family portrait--Kelly scanned one of the pictures immediately upon her arrival at work so she could share it.

Once I'd received Kelly's email, I was really thrown for a loop when I opened the attachment. Being home with Zienna full time, and given the similarities between Daddy's two girls, I frequently find myself calling Zienna by Zoë's name. And almost as frequently, I have little flashbacks--surreal to the point of being déjà vu-like--where I see Zienna doing something and I nearly forget for a moment that it's not Zoë. I find these occurrences both eerie and amusing, even if it upsets Zoë when I mix up her and Zienna’s names. After all, I’ve been home with Zoë since shortly after her first birthday, and when I look at her, I still see my baby girl, not the big five-year-old kid she’s become.

But seeing Zoë's portrait, I was broadsided. Poring into the monitor for what must have been two or three minutes, with Zienna babbling at my feet, a ridiculously wide grin made its way across my face, even as a lump grew in my throat and I unsuccessfully fought back tears. Where had my baby gone? This gorgeous creature gazing back at me was a sight to behold, but she was also an inescapable reminder of the fleeting nature of time. (And don't think I'm not tearing up again, because I am.) All at once, I wanted to drive over to the school, pull her out of class and hug her as hard as I could while telling her over and over again how much I love her, and how I want to be the father she deserves, even on days when I'm not. And how I'll always love her, no matter what--even on the challenging days (and there are plenty with Zoë, believe me).

But of course I couldn't do that, at least not at the moment. So I picked up Zienna in her absence, held her in as tight a death grip as she’d allow me, and told her in words I knew she couldn’t understand all the things I wanted to tell Zoë. I also made a vow, to her and to myself, to tell her siblings later in the day what I was feeling in terms they could understand, and to vow my unconditional love to them, now and forever, explaining why they are so important to me. Zach and Zoë are both amazing kids in their own unique ways, and while I may tell them I love them daily, I don't always show it in my actions. And that's not good enough.

It's raining today--a slight drizzle, and the first time in months--so yes, I'm feeling a bit introspective, and even melancholy. But after a hot, hectic summer, it's a good, calming feeling. And if it's got me in a frame of mind to stop and smell the roses--the most important roses in my life--then all the better. Because even if I can't stop them from growing, I have an obligation to feed, water and nurture them, and an opportunity--an amazing opportunity that I too often take for granted--to take in their sweet fragrance every day. And if something as simple as seeing my daughter's smiling face can serve to remind me of that...well, that's the sort of wake-up call this dad could not only use, but would welcome, any time.

Postscript: After picking the kids up from school, I kept my promise and expressed the feelings I’d had earlier in the day to both kids in terms I hoped they could understand. I must have gotten my point across, because shortly after we arrived home, Zoë, completely out of the blue, asked if she and I could have “Daddy time” by snuggling on the couch. She didn't even mind that I was watching the baseball playoffs, content just to be with me. Feeling all warm and fuzzy, I quickly put Zienna down for a nap and curled up with my big girl, who promptly fell asleep in my arms. What a feeling that was, and it served as another reminder of the important things I need to tend to more often, busy or not!