And There Will Always Be a Place in My Heart for Her

If watching Zach develop signs of approaching adolescence is tough, then watching my baby girl start to grow up is even tougher. But hard as it was for me to believe, Zoë turned eight Friday, and signs that she's no longer a little kid are becoming apparent. And because things have always been more complicated with Zoë, that's left me dealing with a boatload of mixed emotions.

For nearly four years, Zach was an only child. He liked it that way, and I did, too—especially since he was a boy, and I loved doing boy stuff with him without the complications of girly stuff diluting our simple male experience. If Zach had been a girl, as I was convinced he would be when Kelly was carrying him, I don't know, as I discussed recently, how I'd have dealt with him—or her, rather—insecure, first-time father that I was. But fathering a boy was fairly instinctual, so I found it easy to parent Zach, just doing what came naturally. And yet, once we found out Kelly was pregnant again, I found myself hoping Z Number Two would be a girl. And Zach, once he'd gotten used to the idea of sharing me and Kelly with a sibling, surprised us by demanding that it be a girl.

Eight years later, I know Zach would write a different script if he had it to do over again. He loves his sister and will reach out to her emotionally, especially when she's in need, as well defend her. Fairly often, he'll even play with her or help her with this or that. But usually, they're not what you'd call best buddies. That makes it tough on Zoë, who is constantly looking for acceptance and companionship. And her struggle, along with not understanding why her older brother doesn't always want to be her playmate on call, makes things challenging for us, too.

Zoë is, without a doubt, much more difficult to parent than Zach. She's moody where Zach is even-keeled. She's quick to anger where Zach has a very long fuse. She's outspoken, even defiant, where Zach does his best to please. She's constantly bored where Zach is happy to waste his days away doing nothing. She's shy and afraid of new people and settings where Zach is everyone's best friend from the minute he meets them. And she's quick to take charge, to the point of overstepping her bounds and offending people, where Zach is happier being a diplomat. Sure, there are upsides to some of these traits. But for now, they're a lot to handle.

Still, when all is said and done, Zoë is Daddy's Girl beyond a shadow of a doubt. When it's just the two of us, she transforms completely, and our relationship moves to a different level. When we're with the rest of the family, Zoë is, nine times out of ten, the contrarian and the cause of tension and problems. But when we're alone, she's eager to please and easy to be with. I don't get it, especially since she had me essentially to herself for nearly four years after I quit my job to stay home full time. Or perhaps that's part of the problem. It's a riddle I'm constantly trying to solve.

Fortunately, Kelly and I think we're seeing light at the end of the tunnel with Zoë—more positive behavior, less defiance, and longer periods between outbursts. It's become much more evident since February, when we changed Zoë's class at school from one where she was horribly unhappy to one that was a much better fit. The results were dramatic, and we've done our best to capitalize on them. And as her rough edges soften, we see more of her sweet side. When she's not driving us up the walls, she's a charming kid—intelligent as can be, complex and charismatic, and caring to a fault. And knowing that side to her exists makes us want that Zoë even more.

If Zoë had been our first child, I'd have had an entirely different outlook on parenting. Little did I know what we were getting ourselves into as I laughed over Zach's happy dance in the waiting room after his sister's birth. But Zoë introduced me to another side of fatherhood—one requiring a lot more work than tending to a Mini-Me—and forced me to grow, both as a person and as a parent. On the tough days, I still feel I'm not up to the demands. But when I make it through those rough spots and bask in the loving glow of Daddy's Girl—or better yet, of Mommy and Daddy's girl, like we've been seeing more and more lately—it's all worth it.

Do I wish I could break through and have that kid 24x7? Of course I do. But given Zoë's complexity, I don't know if it will ever happen. So I'll take the baby steps of improvement and eat up the good times, doing my best, ill-equipped as I may be, to help my baby girl become the amazing young women I'll know she'll soon be.

And truth be told, I've actually come to enjoy the girly stuff. Zach's still not sold, but I'm thinking the male experience needed some diluting after all...

A gallery of photos from Zoë's birthday parties—one at a bowling party with her friends, and another informal one back at home on the actual date—can be viewed here.